The Discontent of Millennial Reindeer
Along with the woefully underreported Elf Strike, there’s also serious unrest among Reindeer Millennials. Although the unemployment hovers around 9%, Millennials are out of work at a rate double that national average, and they are not happy about it. Workingsmartercafe.com sat down* recently with Strider (not his real name), an unemployed millennial reindeer to get his perspective on a system that he says has saddled him and his peers with thousands in Reindeer School debt and frozen them out of gainful employment.
WSC: Strider, please tell our readers what the main issue is that’s keeping you unemployed.
Strider: Well, thanks for having me in. It’s pretty simple. There are thousands of us looking for work, yet there are only nine positions and they are held by a privileged, entrenched elite. It’s like the Supreme Court except none of them ever die.
WSC: You mean Dasher and Dancer, and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and…
Strider: Yeah, yeah. I think we all know the song, and that’s actually part of the problem. Donner is a mentor and a good friend. Now I know it’s blatant nepotism, but the reindeer is willing to give up his spot for me, but do you know what it would cost in publishing fees just to change the words to that stupid song? The fat man won’t drop that kind of coin.
WSC: What other obstacles are there?
Strider: Dude, it’s the oldest of the old boys clubs. They all went to Mistletoe League Reindeer schools and they are connected.
WSC: Yes, we noticed you didn’t. You went to Skidmore. Tell us about that.
Strider: Man, I was young. I didn’t really “get” the system. Plus, I wanted to play polo.
WSG: Well, what’s the solution?
Strider: I think it’s pretty obvious. More teams. There are 9 billion people on this planet now. When Nick and the boys started this gig, there were under a bil.
WSG: But there’s only one Santa!
Strider: (laughing) C’mon, man! He uses body doubles! Haven’t you been to the mall? There are some dead ringers out there. Nick uses them in the local regions so he can spend a little extra time… Big guy’s got one in every port, so to speak. Remember those racy pics with Jenny McCarthy? Who do you think was driving the Magic Bus while that was going on? For the record, it was Nick’s cousin, Kris.
WSC: Kris Kringle?
Strider: Yeah, man. It’s complicated.
WSC: So why hasn’t adding teams been explored?
Strider: It’s all about the Benjamin’s. Nick is up for it, but aside from my reindeer, Donner, the rest of the crew won’t give up the cash and bennies. They have a crazy good CBA. Hell, Kronos was the only workforce management vendor that could automate that thing. They get an insane hourly rate, plus bonuses based on delivery volume. When the big day falls on a Sunday, man, that’s a very Merry Christmas for the “North Pole Nine.”
WSC: Guess they don’t need an absense management app then?
Strider: Oh, you’re a comedian? No, they’re pretty engaged employees.
WSC: What about Rudolph? Doesn’t he have a very specialized and unique job skill?
Strider: You’d think so, but what do you think we do all day and night without jobs? There are plenty of red nosed reindeer.
WSC: Strider, thanks for coming in today.
Strider: No problem. You guys hiring?
WSC: Yes, we are. Check out the website.
* Strider stood for the entire interview.